The Last 1/4 of Life

I like to think that in terms of my journey on the planet, I'm in the last 1/4 of my life. At 65, of course, this is generous. I didn't say that I'm at the beginning of my last 1/4, but you get the idea. I have lived many of the years allotted to me already. And I have years left, who knows how many?

I'm starting to want to capture the particles of light that have rested on me all of these years, mostly picked up after a cleansing burn. Pain is a great teacher. Ever since I was little, I've been desperately afraid of making mistakes. As it turns out, mistakes are unavoidable, and bafflingly, my mistakes have taught me more than my incredibly complicated and compulsive intellectual processing.

Today's observation: I've invested a remarkably imbalanced ratio of my time here trying to be "good." Naturally, whether one is "good" or not requires analysis. Where could I be better? Through which forests have I left burn scars in my wake? How are my actions harming others, and how can I be "better?" What I've noticed about myself is that this particular line of questioning leaves me sinking into a state of guilt, shame and anxiety.

I've also observed that when I instead choose to sit with how I am, indeed, good, mysteriously, I find myself experiencing more peace, creativity, productivity and compassion for myself and others.

I know what you're thinking (says my inner mean voice). How do you ever clean up the rough patches? Isn't this denial? What makes you think you're so "good?"

Let's save those questions for another day. Here's a different question, one I'm asking myself this morning.

How would the radical act of focusing on the "good" that I am, and the good that I've done, affect my relationships with others? Maybe for the last 2/3 of my last 1/4 of life, this is worth thinking about.